I CAN MOONWALK!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
