So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
