youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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