No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
