She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
