How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.