I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
