My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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