You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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