I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
