You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
