Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
