i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
