yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
