I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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