Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
