He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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