Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
