I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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