I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
