I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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