I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
