I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
