First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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