so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
