she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
