listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
