dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
