ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
