At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
