She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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