i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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