I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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