Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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