Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
