you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize