ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
