i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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