She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
