The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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