Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
