tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
