mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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