I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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