I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
