I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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