Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
