I wish I could punch you in the face.
her vagine was all disorganized.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
