You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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