can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
