They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
