I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
