my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
