Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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