"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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