pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I licked your asshole in confidence.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
