I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
